Taking the Trash Out ...

It's time to take the trash out ...

I'm Crazy

Lately I have had moments where I have thought "I am actually losing my mind". It dredges up a feeling of fear and panic that affects me so viscerally that my body is having a physical reaction. In these moments, I feel I actually have no idea who I am.

I'm Magickal

At other times I feel so incredibly grounded and seated in my consciousness that I marvel at how connected I feel. I am filled with wonder and awe at this amazing Universe. At how loved and supported I feel by the MerTribe. How blessed I am to do the things I do.

And this reminds me that both things can exist at the same time! In the same person. I am this and I am also that.

I'm Bad

But being raised in a world where "perfectionism" has always been the goal (stretch goals, overachieving, overworking). I was taught that if you were not heavy on the 'perfect' side of the equation (oh, and it was never my own maths, but the maths of 'other' [face it maths is not my thing anyway!] that decided how this "perfect equation" added up and whether I was 'adding up' or in the negative or positive!

But if you weren't in the far positive then that's bad. Then you were, bad. You Were Bad. I was bad. Not perfect = bad. Very bad. And this little 'mini mantra' can invade your DNA!

I have had times of emotional upheaval all throughout my life, and the experience of feeling crazy is familiar (I was told I was crazy, often). As I grew older I realised my crazy was also my magic and so I just gave people their 'crazy comments' about me as nothing more than a glance into their opinion.

But there are OTHER times when perhaps I fear "what if it wasn't just an opinion", what if I am in fact crazy and I am just completely blind to it myself.

Crazy Making Behaviour

And this, my friends, is what "crazy making behaviour" does. And I have seriously had more than a fair share of people coming in to my life with their "crazy making behaviour".  

What does crazy making behaviour look like?

• Gaslighting
• Denial
• Avoidance
• Thwarting any attempt to communicate
• Lying
• Bullying
• Harassment
• Sarcasm (which is how some people Gaslight!)

As a child and teenager I was taught to be quiet, to not say things, to not rock the boat.  That your thoughts and feelings should absolutely be kept to yourself because they are WRONG.  And at all costs I must worship people (particularly a Narcissistic parent) whose emotions (and time) was always unavailable to me (she left).  I was taught that if I was quiet and a 'little princess' that I would be OK.  That this is how I could influence the world around me into being a better place!  This was a lie.

I was wrong.  This was not OK.  This was not 'normal'.  This is not what family life should look like, at all, ever.  This is mind-control of a child!

But don't say anything!  Don't tell anyone how you feel, they don't want to hear it, and they won't understand anyway.  Don't talk about anything that is important to you because they will rip it apart, tear it down, ridicule you for it.  I learned really quickly that the more important something was to ME, the LESS important it was to EVERYONE ELSE.  So just shut up!

So I held A LOT of things in.

Every now and again I would might let a bit of pressure out of this internal stew inside would build.  School, study, a best friend, Spirituality, a good therapist, a job I felt good about.  My Master's Degree allowed me to let some of the steam out of the mental and emotional pressure cooker as I found the research of Psycho Social dynamics so completely aligned with my own experience of "the world".

But you know what, I sure attracted some more trash.  When you are conditioned to a certain kind of behaviour, when you 'see it again', you can kid yourself that you can 'manage things differently' this time, and that you won't let anyone "shut you down" again.  But you know what ... I bloody did let others shut me down again, just like the "Originals".  And so the stew continues to simmer, only now, it has even more ingredients.  I pushed this down, down, down, thoughts and feelings well internalised, layered like a rotting cake.  Building pressure, gaining momentum, seething below the surface.

Triggered

Oh yes, I can be triggered by so many things.  I am a highly sensitive person.  I realise now that sometimes these triggers were in my favour, as they actually allowed me to let out some of this pressure (through communicating) in the current situation that had been building for years.

But then all of a sudden, those little moments of release, stopped, I trained myself to avoid the triggers (see:  I shut myself down!)

And now these thoughts and feelings are erupting like Mt. Vesuvius.

This year, 2023, I took some risks, I took some risks about communicating to the people who had cut me out as a child.  I wanted to explain why I was so shut down, I wanted to tell what happened to me, to someone who I should have told back then.

People who did awful things to me and should have known better.  People whose ONE JOB it was to protect a child and they did not. I thought that I could perhaps HEAL if I was able to get recognition from them of their bad behaviour.  I thought I could provide them with an opportunity NOW to recognise their crazy making behaviour and apologise for it.

I was giving them an opportunity to atone!  Wasn't I?

So I instigated contact and started communicating.  

As my very candid post in Sharing the Healing yesterday showed. I was met with a "NO DEAL". As you saw, I have been told that there will NEVER be any discussion of the past.  At all, ever.  About anything, even happy memories.  It's all OUT.

And I was not expecting to be met back with the same 'crazy making behaviour' that I was met with as a child so it threw me back into a tailspin.

Because you know what.  Intelligent me, emotionally intelligent me, [in hindsignt after writing this entire piece and reading it a few times!]. I have only just realised now that the people who lacked the where-with-all, care-at-all, ability to raise and talk to an intelligent child, back then, will be the exact same emotionally negligent, human beings now! 

They won't have changed and change is about communication and love, and healing and growth.  It's the practice of these things that allows us to evolve as human beings.  These were all the things that they tried to thwart in me then. 

Void

Not everyone evolves and becomes a better version of themselves!  (This is an absolute news flash to me on some level, the kind that 'does my head in'!). Some people can't and some people just plain don't want to.  They like living in a chaotic world, they don't think to make sense of things because, (another news flash is coming)... they just don't care.

Yes, some people just don't care.

Self-doubt

When I wrote yesterday's post (feeling like I was crazy) I had so much angst about posting it. "I'm not expressing myself clearly, people will think I'm crazy, no one will relate to this, it's my weird way of thinking about things because I'm nuts" ...

But there is also a part of me that truly knows what total bullshit that is and I have this little war running inside of me all. the. time.

This morning, I have an epiphany. When I stop communicating. When I stop writing, when I stop sharing, when I stop showing up. I perpetuate the crazy making 'behaviour' because I become more concerned with 'other' than my own well-being.

This is rubbish!

I'm calling bullshit on this trash!

I'm not going to allow this to build up anymore.  Today I am reflecting that perhaps 2023 has been a year of so much personal upheaval so that I could get to 'this point'.  I get to take out the trash in 2023 so I can have a clear path into a new year.  Is the Universe giving me these trails and tribulations so rapidly now, so that I will take charge of myself.  Literally "take out my psychological trash" so that I can pave the way head for the rest of my beautiful life.

What will she do with this rubbish?

She will write.  She makes art, she shares, she shows up.  She communicates.  Sometimes not well, sometimes extremely well, but she has a go!

If my words have touched you and helped you today, that is my blessing for sharing this with you.

Thank you for reading.

Question. Should I talk more about this? Should I document my 'taking out the trash' journey from here? Should I podcast it? Should I write about it? Should this be a blog post? Is it time for me to put stuff out there?  [I wrote these questions in my original post in the Sharing the Healing group], I have left them in here because you can see that in between posting that there, I made a 'decision' and answered my own questions!

One thing I do know is that I'm not going to be silent about it, because that is crazy making!

My 2023 Trash bin images, are all digital art, created by me. Thank you for reading this beautiful Souls.  My healing is here, with you.