Love this post!

Yet the number of times I almost didn’t write it, let alone even then post it!

Because lately, I have come to realise that as I write it, I am expressing myself, but I am also editing myself.  I am “scaling my self back” as I write.  If I wasn’t watching what I was doing then I might almost miss this because of the imperceptibility of it!  So ingrained has it become now.  Am I editing myself because of the fear of the wrath of others, because of cancel culture, and others reactions and paying too much mind to what other people will think about what I have written.  Or is it because of that favourite self-sabotaging mantra “everyone might think I am crazy”.

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So oftentimes, I stop before I have even started.  The ideas, the words, I just don’t let them out.  And in closing my self expression, I become well, closed.  Closed.

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But, not today. Today I had a really strong feeling and sat to write.  I wrote, and wrote, then read it, rewrote some of it, took bits out, put bits back in and then after a while … I started breathing again.

And I just wrote.  I wrote it all! Open. Wide Open.

It might not make sense to anyone else, no one else may even see it, and you know what, it doesn’t matter.  It was never about them in the first place!  Did I make it about them or did they make it about them?  Because, it’s actually not about them.

 

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What matters is that I express myself, right here, right now, and it will be up to me whether I go ahead and post it or not.  I am not going to let the ‘potential reaction of other’ silence me anymore.  Because actually, there may be more people that actually might gain something for themselves by my posting this.

My posting something doesn’t take away anything from someone else, even though some of the reactions I read on other’s posts try to make people believe otherwise.

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So when I had finished writing, I posted what I had written, and someone wrote:

“Love this post!”

And I realised then, why it is that I do what I do. 

Why I continue to show up in whatever way I can, or want to, or am able to, why I am willing to write and then share it. 

I found again, and anew, my voice.

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I don’t know what got into my head to make me start to get scared about posting things on Social Media or when I let it take over.  Like a silent “hacker” in my own head, it permeated everything.

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When did the censorship of myself happen?
Anyway, that Censor got their own today.
It appears that I am now back!

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Ready to do me again.

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And No, I’m not going to be for everyone, and yes, some disconnected people may probably write unfair things.  But they are just missing the point of me, that’s all.

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I get the point of me though.
And if I want to share that, well, I CAN!

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So I’m sharing.

I will focus on being present, continue to make shiny and sparkly things, show up and speak my truth and continue to share about the things I am moved by, what brings joy and the miracles of earth and ocean.  I will continue to post about the things I love.

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As chances are, if I share about what I love, it will connect with something that someone else might also love, and then aren’t we just sharing in the love then?!

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And isn’t it this, this exactly this, what it is actually, really, all about?

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I’ll do me.
You do you.

Love this post!

~ Jenann McIntosh